Hey, I’m a millennial. I was born in 1982, which not only marks me as one of the earliest incarnations of this particular generation, but means I’m an old bastard compared with the rest of my cadre. I don’t mind being called old by my peers, it just gives me an inflated sense of wisdom to lord over the rest of these children. All kidding aside, there seems to be a general perception amongst individuals of previous generations that millennials will doom the planet. Not so! In fact, we may be the true saviours of this tiny orb, after centuries of the rest of you all fucking it beyond recognition.
Yeah, thats right, we’re on to you. And to point out as a matter of fact, it was YOUR selfish generations that accelerated climate change from 0-100, real quick. It was YOU that continued centuries of racist and ignorant policies towards people who you deemed inferior because of some genetical predisposition. It was YOU who pumped capitalism’s tires until they blew up and destroyed half the planet. So from all of us, thanks for that.
It wasn’t us that simply became the stereotypical narcissistic punks who you love to gripe about, it was your shitty social experiment that made some of us that way. Clearly there are way too many helicopter parents out there. We are witnessing the final descent into madness of what decades of self-centred teachings have left us. Telling children that they can be anything they want is nice and all, but its not really accurate. Its perfectly fine to nurture talents and foster imagination in kids, but constantly drilling into them that they are ‘special’ has left us with young adults who are unprepared to deal with the harsh realities of life. Your boss wont think you’re special, he won’t even remember your birthday. And compliments? Don’t hold your breath waiting for someone to pat you on the back for doing a good job, it’s just not a thing in the real world. Participation medals, scoreless soccer games, they’re actually leaving a generation completely unprepared for failure. Like everything they do is golden and shiny and amazing.
We are also in the middle of outrage culture, thanks to said self-aggrandizing. EVERYONE is offended by EVERYTHING. Not to mention the fact that their outrage isn’t even a private conversation anymore, thanks to social media. And the previous generations don’t seem to grasp the notion that social media isn’t their private psychiatrist, its like standing on the corner of a crowded street with a megaphone, shouting your nonsense for the entire world to hear. So your technological ineptitude combined with the notion that your ignorant opinions actually matter to the rest of us has put us in a bit of a quandary. On one hand we have an amazing tool that connects us all, world-wide. On the other hand, we have a platform for hate speech and shaming that puts those hateful views on display for all to see.
And this is where the millennials come in. We get technology. We do. Perhaps we haven’t mastered the arts of sarcasm, subtlety, and wit, but how many young adults are as snappy as Winston Churchill? For every silly Facebook post you think reinforces your opinion of us, we take your social and political views and eschew them. We, by and large, aren’t racists. We don’t discriminate the way you love to. I can honestly say that for my peers, race, gender and politics would never prevent us from working with someone. We care deeply about the environment. Yes, it’s true that the capitalist spiral that we are in right now is difficult to avoid. We mostly drive cars, we eat too many cheeseburgers, we are materialistic to a certain degree. But you can’t blame the rats for walking through the maze as they try and find their way out. We will sort this climate thing out. We will find better, cleaner ways to power our world. We aren’t beholden to the oil oligarchs the way that you are.
From time to time, I read an editorial from some pissed off gen-x’er or baby boomer about how my generation is going to ruin everything. I think you’ve all done a perfectly fine job at doing that already. Personally, I cant wait to remove you forcefully from your institutions, kicking and screaming like the whiny grown children you really are. Part of the problem is that none of you are willing to retire, because you think your opinion really matters that much. It doesn’t. We don’t care about your stuffy, nonsensical views. We don’t care about your racist policies, your self-righteousness and your outrage. We have bigger-picture stuff on our minds. We can see plainly the mess you’ve created for us, and we are determined to fix it. The ruinous world you’ve laid out for us all can still be saved, despite your best efforts to destroy it. So from a millennial to all of you, thanks for nothing, good riddance.